Architecture assignment 1

This sample is one section of a longer Architecture assignment. Below you'll see a number of drafts, including a final draft. Note how each of the drafts received feedback from the lecturer, and are subsequently improved and refined. These annotated drafts highlight the iterative processes of writing and the importance of responding to feedback. 

Click the icons next to each paragraph to show the lecturer's comments. Click again to hide the comment.

For this assignment, students were expected to find a relevant quote, write about the work of a particular architect and present a number of key images (due to copyright restrictions, images are not shown here).

Legend:

GoodProblemSuggestionQuestion

Draft 1:

HISTORY AND STYLE

Show/hide lecturer's comment 1"In handling of the problems of structure [contemporary style] is related to the Gothic, in handling of the problems of design it is more akin to the Classical. In pre-eminence given to the handling of function, it is distinguished from both."
(Hitchcock and Johnson, 1995, pg 36).Lecturer's comment 1:
The citation indicates the use of the Chicago Author-Date style of referencing. However, the use of these conventions is not quite correct here. Information about Chicago referencing can be found at guides.lib.monash.edu/citing-referencing/chicago.

Show/hide lecturer's comment 2Show/hide lecturer's comment 3 Show/hide lecturer's comment 4 Show/hide lecturer's comment 5Show/hide lecturer's comment 6

Richard Rogers’ Lloyd’s of London is a building which demonstrates the structural and design aspects of the contemporary style.Lecturer's comment 2:
It is unclear what is meant by this term.
Rather than adhering to one particular styleLecturer's comment 3:
It is better to be specific when using such terms. Lloyd's is characteristic of the Hi-tech style.
or condition, Lloyd’s places the needs of the client above all else. Its aesthetic value and functional concept begins with the Lloyd’s corporation and ends with it.Lecturer's comment 4:
The architect has no say or infuence on the expression? Each claim should be supported and well-considered. The sentence is unclear and it should be corrected with something like "Shown in the aesthetic style of the building, a sense of Gothic architecture can be seen".
The Lloyd’s building takes on multiple styles Lecturer's comment 5:
Which ones? The student should specify what these are
and techniques to create the most successful. Lecturer's comment 6:
How is this judged? By which criteria?
handling of function possible, placing use and practicality above all else.


Show/hide lecturer's comment 7Show/hide lecturer's comment 8Show/hide lecturer's comment 9Shown in the aesthetic style of the building, a sense of Gothic architectureLecturer's comment 7:
Why is Gothic architecture relevant here? This is a difficult point to argue convincingly. This comment is vague and imprecise. To improve your expression, aim to be clear and precise
. ItsLecturer's comment 8:
It is unclear what this refers to. Within this new paragraph, the name of the building should be indicated. Furthermore, the whole sentence needs for clarity of expression.
tall towers that shield the building and raw metallic materials allude to a similar style to that of previous styles. Its tall glass atrium also references the grandeur and open-chamber traits of the Gothic, yet its design differs. Focused on the use of versatility and flexibility, Lloyd’s conceptual layout is not singular. Lecturer's comment 9:
It is unclear what is meant by this. The whole sentence needs to be rewritten for clarity of expression.
It has room to evolve, change and develop, something which resonates only in contemporary styled design. While Gothic styled buildings served a purpose and function, they lacked a sense of movement and adjustment that the contemporary style builds upon.

Show/hide lecturer's comment 10Show/hide lecturer's comment 11 Furthermore, this flexibility of space relates to the placement of function as arguably the most important element of the contemporary style. While Gothic and Classical styles placed aesthetics in high regard, Lloyd’s building shows that when use and function are placed first, aesthetic follows. Rogers’ construction of the service towers illustrates that by focusing on the open spaces within the building, a certain style was formed by itself. By placing the utilities separate from the circulation area, these towers were formed out of practicality and use. In turn, this created an aesthetic of towering columns around the building, similar to a fortress or castle of modern London. While the building is renown for this physical feature, its use of the contemporary styles and its “pre-eminence giveLecturer's comment 10:
The grammar within this quote doesn’t mesh with the surrounding sentence. To correct this, the student should first check that the quote accurately reflects the original text. If so, the student would need to ensure the quote is fully integrated within the sentence. In this case, if ‘give’ were changed to ‘given’, the sentence would be grammatically correct. However, when making a change to a quote, you need to use square brackets in order to indicate the added information is not part of the original quote: for example, “pre-eminence give[n] to function”.
to function” is what created such a wholesome and iconic building of the modern time.Lecturer's comment 11:
This first draft has room for improvement. It is suggested that the student rewrites the draft in terms of the precedents that informed Lloyds and its expansion of the modern legacy of functionalism.

Draft 2:

HISTORY AND STYLE Show/hide lecturer's comment 12

“…the authentic character which should be chosen relative to the purpose of a building, and was thus the poetry of architecture." 
(Collins, 1967, 63)Lecturer's comment 12:
This is closer to the Chicago style, but there is still a minor error; there should be no comma after the author.

Show/hide lecturer's comment 25Show/hide lecturer's comment 26Show/hide lecturer's comment 27Show/hide lecturer's comment 28

Richard Rogers’ Lloyd’s of London demonstrates the design of a building whose character is directly relevant to its function. Rogers’ approach to the Lloyd’s building was primarily focused on its ability to serve the needs of its occupants above all else. Illustrated by his use of service towers, Rogers defined a clear separation between utilities and inhabitable space by containing stairs, plumbing and bathrooms within steel chambers that appear to latch onto the exterior of the building. This functionalism style references the theory of “served and servant spaces”Lecturer's comment 13:
The student should provide a reference to indicate where the quoted phrase comes from.
which gives hierarchy to the inhabitants' use of space and places ‘services’ secondary.Lecturer's comment 14:
This is unclear. The student should pay attention to their use of grammar, so that the meaning is clear.
Lloyd’s bears a strong resemblance to Louis Kahn’s Richard Medical Centre, which in a similar fashion, locates all of its utilities within large rectilinear towers scattered around the building's façade. Lecturer's comment 15:
Good description.
As Rogers himself has noted Kahn as an influence in his design, this concept of ‘inside-out’Lecturer's comment 16:
This concept is not correct here; the correct concept is served/servant.
serves as a representation of the emergence of the functional style. Both architects illustrate the character of their buildings through the highlighting of function as the main objective, which gives them a unique language of being practical, modern constructions.

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In focusing on the internal design of Lloyd’s, a correlation between Rogers' building and theories of Le Corbusier’s ‘5 points of architecture’ can be seen.Lecturer's comment 17:
A citation for Le Corbusier should be given here.
Noted for its unencumbered floor plan, Lloyd’s employs the use of the ‘freeplan’ design, while the columns that support the structure around the edges of the plan are an illustration of the ‘pilotis’ that Le Corbusier included in his approach. As shown in Le Corbusier’s Villa Savoye, these elements gave his building a character of openness and unobstructed design, similar to Lloyd’s, which both indicate towards a preference placed upon the use of space. Both Le Corbusier and Rogers illustrate the use of an open floor plan to create flexible and practical specialLecturer's comment 18:
The correct term here is "spatial".
construction, which in turn, creates the characteristics of both buildings being focused onLecturer's comment 19:
Grammatically, the word ‘the’ should be present before the noun phrase “modern legacy of functionalism”.
modern legacy of functionalism.Lecturer's comment 20:
This draft is much improved. It indicates the student has incorporated feedback from the first draft.

Show/hide lecturer's comment 33

Draft 3:

HISTORY AND STYLE

“… the authentic character which should be chosen relative to the purpose of a building, and was thus the poetry of architecture.”
(Collins 1967, 63)Lecturer's comment 21:
The citation is now correctly referenced in the Chicago style.

Show/hide lecturer's comment 34Show/hide lecturer's comment 35Show/hide lecturer's comment 20

Richard Rogers’ Lloyd’s of London demonstrates the design of a building whose character is directly relevant to its function. Rogers’ approach to the Lloyd’s building was primarily focused on its ability to serve the needs of its occupants above all else. Illustrated by his use of service towers, RogersLecturer's comment 22:
Apostrophe not needed here.
defined a clear separation between utilities and inhabitable space by containing stairs, plumbing and bathrooms within steel chambers that appear to latch onto the exterior of the building. This functionalism style references the theory of “served and servant spaces”Lecturer's comment 23:
The student should provide a reference to indicate where the quoted phrase comes from.
which gives hierarchy to the inhabitants use of space, places ‘services’ secondary. Lloyd’s bears a strong resemblance to Louis Kahn’s Richard Medical Centre, which in a similar fashion, locates all of its utilities within large rectilinear towers scattered around the building's façade. Rogers himself has noted Kahn as an influence in his design; in particular, Kahn’s concept of ‘served/servant’ spaces. This adaptation of Kahn’s theories illustrate the emergence of the functional style through Rogers’ buildings such as the Pompidou Centre and Lloyd’s. Lecturer's comment 24:
A reference should be given here.
Both architects illustrate the character of their buildings through the highlighting of function as the main objective, which gives them a unique language of being practical, modern constructions.

Show/hide lecturer's comment 36Show/hide lecturer's comment 21Show/hide lecturer's comment 22Show/hide lecturer's comment 23

In focusing on the internal design of Lloyd’s, a correlation between Rogers' building and theories of Le Corbusier’s ‘5 points of architecture’Lecturer's comment 25:
A citation for Le Corbusier should be given here.
can be seen. Noted for its unencumbered floor plan, Lloyd’s employs the use of the ‘freeplan’ design, while the columns that support the structure around the edges of the plan are an illustration of the ‘pilotis’ that Le Corbusier included in his approach. As shown in Le Corbusier’s Villa Savoye, these elements gave his building a character of openness and unobstructed design, similar to Lloyd’s, which both indicate towards a preference placed upon the use of space. Both Le Corbusier and Rogers illustrate the use of an open floor plan to create flexible and practical spatialLecturer's comment 26:
Correct terminology.
construction, which in turn, creates the characteristics of both buildings being focused onLecturer's comment 27:
The grammar here remains incorrect.
modern legacy of functionalism.Lecturer's comment 28:
This draft contains further refinements. Overall, this is a very good final draft that the student has produced.