Architecture assignment 2

This sample presents a first and a final draft of one section of a longer Architecture assignment. Note how each draft received feedback from the lecturer, and are subsequently improved and refined. These annotated drafts highlight the iterative processes of writing and the importance of responding to feedback. 

Click the icons next to each paragraph to show the lecturer's comments. Click again to hide the comment.

For this assignment, students were expected to find a relevant quote, write about the work of a particular architect and present a number of key images (due to copyright restrictions, images are not shown here).

Legend:

Good Problem Suggestion Question

Draft 1:



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PRECEDENTSLecturer's comment 1:
For this assignment, students were expected to find a relevant quote, write about the work of a particular architect and present a number of key images (due to copyright restrictions, images are not shown here).

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“Thought expressed with the minimum of words”
Lecturer's comment 2:
Quotations are usually integrated within a paragraph. However, this assignment task asked students to position the quote at the top of the page, separate from the student’s writing.

This quote appears to be taken from a secondary source, not from Racine's original text. It should indicate that Racine's words appear in the text by Collins.
(Racine, 1967, 63) Lecturer's comment 3:
Notice the use of the Author-date version of Chicago referencing.

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Jean Racine argued that ‘style’ was “thought expressed with the minimum of words” (quoted in Collins 1967) in the eighteenth century. This quote has great relevance to Junya Ishigami,Lecturer's comment 4:
How is it relevant? It’s important to explain and justify claims such as this.
a Japanese architect producing work currently in the twenty-first century. Gathering from his descriptions of his precedent work, when entering one of his spaces you feel that he considers what is already existing but doesn’t create boundaries and designs endless and open spaces. Lecturer's comment 5:
The student's expression is unclear and imprecise. Aim to be clear, concise and precise when writing descriptively.
In particular his designs Cafeteria in University and House H are precedents for his design of the Kanagawa Institute of Technology Workshop. Ishigami’s style is visible by just inhabiting the spaces.Lecturer's comment 6:
This comment is quite vague. Aim to be clear and precise, but also try to add depth to your analysis.

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House H is a design for a private residence in Tokyo, Japan. His aim was to see how strongly he could design the environment and furniture objects together whilst making it as “open and simple as possible” (Hashimoto, 2008). Lecturer's comment 7:
When providing a quote or paraphrase, a page number should be given. http://guides.lib.monash.edu/citing-referencing/chicago
He made a terrace slightly above ground level for leisure and walls that were made out of plywood, but it was of the uttermost importance that the house be undemanding, thus promoting diversity in every-day life.Lecturer's comment 8:
In this paragraph and the following one, there is a lot of description but very little analysis.

Cafeteria in University is a 100m by 60m roof, a ceiling height of 2.3m, walls that are covered in small, random windows and pockets in the ceiling with growing vegetation. This lightweight and large area produces a landscape that isn’t constricted and allows the exterior environment to come into the space willingly. This space creates a new spaciousness, which could be said to be a “new nature” (Hashimoto, 2008).

House H and Cafeteria in University show the development of Ishigami’s style into designs that aren’t contained to “spaces or landscapes” (Hashimoto, 2010), which Kanagawa Institute of Technology Workshop fully demonstrates. Ishigami aims to create an endless design, incorporating space and landscape. To combine both scenery and space is a huge style component for Ishigami. He doesn’t wish to create a space that promotes change and the pure, essential aspects of architecture. He wants “students to feel as if they have travelled to some faraway place when they visit the building” (Hashimoto, 2008).

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Collins, Peter, 1967. Changing Ideals in Modern Architecture 1750-1950. Montreal: McGill University Press.
Hashimoto, Jun. 2010. “Redefining Collectivity.” Japan Architect (78):86-87.
Hashimoto, Jun. 2008. “Phenomenal Resolution.” Japan Architect (70):20
Hashimoto, Jun. 2009. “Yearbook 2008: The Japanese Architectural Scene in Japan 2008.” Japan Architect (72):66-67
Lecturer's comment 9:
A reference list should be located at the end of an assignment. The entry for Peter Collins' book is referenced correctly, but the journal articles are not quite correct. To see how a journal article should be referenced in the Chicago style, visit: http://guides.lib.monash.edu/citing-referencing/chicago.



Final draft:

PRECEDENTS

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“Thought expressed with the minimum of words”
(Racine, quoted in Collins, 1967, 63)Lecturer's comment 10:
Many students are unsure how to cite a quote by someone that appears in a text created by someone else. To find out how to reference a secondary source, follow this link: http://guides.lib.monash.edu/c.php?g=219786&p=1454478.

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Junya Ishigami’s style is expressed with a minimalist approach to design. He adopts the Mies van de Rohe’s ‘less is more’ approach, similar to Jean Racine’s quote above. When entering one of Ishigami’s spaces youLecturer's comment 11:
The second person pronoun ‘you’ can be problematic: does the ‘you’ refer to a specific person, to the reader or to people in general? In general, it is best to avoid this pronoun in academic writing. A better way to approach this would be to rephrase the sentence so it doesn’t contain the pronoun.
feel that he considers what already exists but doesn’t create boundaries and designs endless and open spaces.Lecturer's comment 12:
This is vague and indirect. The student's analysis should be precise and in-depth.
Possible precedents for KAIT Workshop are SANNA and Sou Fujimoto.

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The collaboration between Kazuyo Sejima and Ryue Nishizawa make up SANNA. Ishigami worked with SANNA between 2000 and 2004 before starting his own firm. SANNA’s design of the Kanazawa Museum completed in 2004 looks as if it influenced Ishigami a lotLecturer's comment 13:
This is a bit informal. Whenever possible, try to use formal vocabulary; for example, ‘significantly’ is much more formal than ‘a lot’.
in developing his minimalist style. SANNA intended on creating a space with several buildings united in one and have random and flexible relations with each other, whilst engineering visitor’s awareness.Lecturer's comment 14:
This sentence lacks clarity. It should be rephrased to ensure the meaning is clearly conveyed.

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Sou Fujimoto’s work has a tendency to question the fundamental interpretation of architecture: exploring what architecture is and how architecture relates to nature. His design of the Children’s Centre for Psychiatric Rehabilitation was completed in 2006. Fujimoto has placed 24 white cubes randomly over the site to exude the essence of hierarchy and diagrammatic legibility. This random placement offers different degrees of connection and separation a lot like Ishigami’s columns, Lecturer's comment 15:
The connection to Ishigami’s work is important here, but does the discussion go deep enough? Consider whether this demonstrates sufficient analysis.
which gently break up the space into different work areas analysis. Lecturer's comment 16:
The meaning here is unclear.

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Ishigami is developing a modern style expressed through a minimum of elements, which echoesLecturer's comment 17:
Notice the effective use of words and phrases such as 'echoes' and 'draws inspiration from', which articulate lines of influence.
the notion of a style that is expressed with minimum words. Ishigami’s minimalism in KAIT draws inspiration from SANNA’s Kanazawa Museum and Sou Fujimoto’s Children’s Centre and is a continuation of his own explorations such as House H and Cafeteria in University. Lecturer's comment 18:
This paragraph clearly articulates the influence of particular precedents on the architect’s style.