Respectful relationships

Not everyone at university is having sex, but if you want to, the most important part is consent.

There needs to be enthusiastic agreement to engage in each type of sexual activity – this needs to be communicated in words and actions. You don’t have someone’s consent just because they don’t say “no”.

You always need consent, whether you’re in a relationship or married or you’ve just met someone. And you always have the right to withdraw your consent, even after you’ve agreed – your wishes should be immediately respected.

To be in a position to consent, you need to be willing and able to agree to any sexual activity before it happens. You can’t consent if:

• you're asleep or unconscious
• you’re so affected by alcohol or drugs that you’re incapable of consenting
• you’ve been tricked into agreeing
• you’ve been pressured or threatened into agreeing
• you’ve been made to feel really guilty for saying no so you subsequently agree.

These acts are criminal offences in Australia and will not be tolerated by the University.

It’s important to ask for someone’s consent before engaging in sexual activity and to listen to the physical and verbal cues they’re giving you.

Before engaging in sexual activity, or during sexual activity, you should ask these kinds of questions to make sure consent is ongoing:

• Is that okay?
• Are you alright?
• How far do you want to go?
• What are you comfortable with?
• Are you sure you want to do this?
• Is there anything that you don’t want to do?
• Do you want to stop?

Listen for positive, enthusiastic responses that indicate consent. If someone says anything like the following, or nothing at all, you don’t have consent:

• No, I don’t want to
• I don’t feel comfortable
• Maybe later
• Not right now
• I guess so
• If you want to
• I’m not sure about this.

Similarly, you can tell by someone’s body language if they don’t freely consent to the sexual activity. Signs of discomfort could include pushing you away, stiffening muscles, not responding to your touch, turning away from you or hiding their face, and uncomfortable or painful facial expressions.

If you hear or notice any of these responses, stop immediately and listen. Don’t make them feel bad or try to suggest reasons why they should say yes. If they don’t want to, they don’t want to. To continue is rape or sexual assault.

For more information, you can watch our Sexual Consent video:

Whether you’ve just started seeing someone, or you’re married, it’s important to be aware of some behaviours that indicate you’re in an unhealthy relationship. These behaviours include:

• hurting you physically (e.g. hitting or shoving)
• sexually touching you without your consent
• expecting you to be available to take an excessive number of calls, texts or messages
• demanding you call and tell them where you are, where you’re going or what you’re doing
• checking that what you say is true by following you when you go out or waiting for you to finish at work
• isolating you by not wanting you to spend time with your family or friends
• blaming problems in the relationship on you
• using the GPS on your phone to track where you’re going (e.g. through the Find My Phone app).

If you, or your friend, is experiencing any of these behaviours in your relationship, you should talk to someone at the Safer Community Unit or submit a report online.

If you’ve been asked to enter a relationship, or you’re already in one, you always have the option to end or decline the relationship. You don’t need to feel guilty about ending or declining a relationship, and you’re not obligated to explain your decisions to anyone.

If you’re unsure how to end or decline a relationship, or you’ve already tried and the person has persisted, there are a few things you can do to make sure you effectively communicate your decision:

• Be clear and to the point. You don’t need to make excuses.
• Firmly state what you want without being mean or cruel (e.g. I want you to stop asking me out. I don’t want to date you).
• Once you’ve clearly delivered the message, don’t be drawn into arguing or negotiating. The matter is no longer up for discussion.
• Deliver the message yourself to make it clear this is what you want (rather than getting someone else to do it for you).

If you’ve tried to end or decline a relationship and your decision is not being respected, you should contact the Safer Community Unit. Feel free to get in touch for support or advice at any time.